方便 (Joke)

Some Chinese expressions have so multiple meanings that they cause a lot of misunderstanding. Here is an example:

A foreigner who has learned a little Chinese comes to Taiwan for the first time. He’s invited to a restaurant by some Taiwanese friends.

After led to their table, a Taiwanese friend says, (1)“Sorry, but I have to方便 (fang bian4)” and then left. Another Taiwanese friend explains to the foreigner that方便 means “going to the bathroom.”

During the meal, one of the Taiwanese friends says to the foreigner, (2)“I hope next time when I go to your country, you can offer me some方便. ” The latter wonders, “Why do I have to offer him bathroom?”。”

The folks eat and talk until the closing time. A waiter comes to the table and says, (3)“Sorry, but it’s our closing time. Would you please check the bill if it’s方便 for you?” The Taiwanese goes to the bathroom before he pays the bill. The foreigner wonders if it’s a special custom in Taiwan to go to the bathroom before checking the bill.

Before they leave, one of the Taiwanese says to the foreigner,(4) “I’d also like to treat you to dinner when we both 方便.” The foreigner’s puzzled why they keep talking about going to the bathroom when inviting him to eat?

Besides being a euphemism for “going to the bathroom,” 方便mainly means convenient. That’s why we have to use it when inviting someone. For example, in English you might say “Is it convenient for you to come tomorrow?” In Chinese it would be “明天你方便來嗎？” (ming2 tian ni3 fang bian4 lai2 ma?)

In the second sentence, 方便 means favor, help. So the Taiwanese is asking for a potential favor from the foreigner. Such favors are often business ones, especially from the authority. For example, when passing the Customs, some celebrities or high ranking government officials might be allowed special entrance to give them privacy. This is a方便offered to them.

In China, 方便麵 (fang bian4 mian4) refers to instant noodles while in Taiwan we call them 泡麵 (pao4 mian4).

I’d also like mention one thing about inviting someone for dinner. It’s Chinese way to be modest and keep a low profile. As a result, when inviting someone to a meal, we often call the meal 便飯, which means a simple, usual meal, nothing fancy or luxurious.

So, next time, when you’re asked when it is方便 for you for a便飯, it has nothing to do with your nature call. And very unlikely it will turn out to be a simple potluck!  

明天你方便來嗎=明天你方便来吗

方便麵=方便面

便飯=便饭

大不一樣 (Joke)

Here’s a joke to show you how the same Chinese characters can give very different meanings only by changing the order they are put.

A woman asks her doctor: “I’d like to have a boob job, but what  difference will it make?”

“Well,” the doctor replies with composure, “There’re five possibilities:

1. 大不一樣 (da4 bu4 yi2 yang4)
2. 不大一樣 (bu2 da4 yi2 yang4)
3. 不一樣大 (bu4 yi2 yang4 da4)
4. 一樣不大 (yi2 yang4 bu2 da4)
5 樣大不一 (yang da4 bu4 yi)

All the five expressions are made up of the same four words with different orders and different meanings accordingly, except for 3, and 5, which have very similar meanings. Also, have you noticed that 不 is not  always pronounced with the same tone?

一樣means the same, which makes 不一樣 “not the same,” “different” because 不means “not.”

1. 大不一樣: Hugely different.大means big, huge, very much.

2. 不大一樣: Not exactly the same. Somewhat different.

3. 不一樣大: Not of the same size. (Oh, my!)

4. 一樣不大: The surgery doesn’t make any difference. They’re still of the same size—no big.  (Sue the doctor!)

5 樣大不一: Not of the same size.

大不一樣=大不一样

"Keyboardization" in Chinese writing (joke)

There’s a report on United Daily about the prevalence of mistakes when writing has been “keyboardization” today. Instead of handwriting, people just type on their keyboard to communicate.

For a non-alphabetic language with so many homophones like Chinese, the tendency has a great impact. For one thing, a lot of youngsters are retrogressing in their handwriting. They don’t know how to write since clicking on keyboard has replaced writing the characters stroke by stroke. As a result, they just recognize a general “outline” of a word instead of each stroke of it, which leads to wrong characters.

For another, there’re many typing systems for the Chinese characters. For those who don’t learn any of them, they might use Mandarin Phonetic Symbols to type. To be more specific, the new system of it, which automatically picks out a word for you among the dozens of homophones and requires you to correct it if it picks out the wrong one. For people communicating online, very likely they just don’t bother to do the proofreading since they talk fast. Mistakes or misunderstanding thus come along.

The report shows some hilarious examples of how a sentence can mean so differently if you just don’t check on the words computer has picked up for you. The highlighted parts are the homophones of the red characters, which are what you really mean.

有隻豬在我電腦上         There’s a pig on my computer.

有蜘蛛(zhi zhu)在我電腦上  There’s a spider on my computer.

同學去世真的超好笑 A classmate’s death is super hilarious.

同學去勢真的超好笑 A classmate’s being castrated is super   

    hilarious.

同學趣事(qu4 shi4)真的超好笑 A classmate’s interesting episode is super hilarious.

你會癢是嗎？ You are feeling itchy, aren’t you?

你會仰式(yang3 shi4)嗎？ Can you swim the backstroke?

及時通上吹噓，我弟李添財

I was bragging on Messenger about my brother Li Tian-cai.

及時通上吹噓，我地理天才(di4 li3 tian cai2)

I was bragging on Messenger about my geographic genius.

你腋下如何？ How is with your armpit?

你意下(yi4 xia4)如何？ What do you think?

外面吃東西，儘可能氫彈

Try to eat as much hydrogen bombs as possible when eating out.

外面吃東西，儘可能清淡(qing dan4)

Try to eat as much light food as possible when eating out.

老師教學生電腦，問大家觀音笑了嗎？

The teacher asked students if Guan-yin Goddess had laughed when teaching the computer class.

老師教學生電腦，問大家關音效(guan yin xiao4)了嗎？

The teacher asked students if they had turned off the sound effect when teaching the computer class.

This is why Chinese is a language of poetry, I guess. In fact, Taiwanese poet 陳黎(chen li2) has really composed a poem of such kind that turns a love poem into a dirty one. The title of the poem takes mistyping on the computer as an excuse to make such a twist.

Bombs of laughter might just explode when you’re typing Chinese characters with your computer.

有隻豬在我電腦上=有只猪在我电脑上

同學趣事=同学趣事

及時通=及时通

外面吃東西，儘可能清淡=外面吃东西，尽可能清淡

關音效=关音效

陳黎=陈黎

Why eat bullshit? (joke)

In my previous writing 字感(zi4 gan3), I talked about how Chinese characters can be put vertically or horizontally. As a result, misunderstanding arises.

For example, one day a foreigner came to a diner in Taiwan and got terribly confused. “Why eat 牛大便(niu2 da4 bian4), bull’s dropping?” asked him on reading the menu on the wall.

In Taiwan’s diners the main courses are often shown on color strips of paper on the wall. This one goes as:

牛 大 便

肉 滷 當

麵 麵

The foreigner just read the menu from left to right as reading English, when it is actually arranged downward. If you start from left, the menu goes as 牛肉麵(niu2 rou4 mian4)，beef noodles, 大滷麵(da4 lu3 mian4)，dalu noodles, and便當(bian4 dang), bento, or a boxed meal.

Another characteristic of the Chinese characters is that some characters consist of more than one unit, which is a character itself. Misunderstanding might happen with loose scribbles that do not arrange the units properly. For example, a first grader with the name 朱月坡(zhu yue4 puo) is often mistaken as 朱肚皮(zhu du4 pi2) since he puts the parts of his last word 坡 too separately with the left part 土(tu3) combined with the middle word 月, which turns to 肚. As a result, his name sounds like “pig’s belly.”

Tons of such examples can be given. 關金鵲(guan jin que4), a name after some bird, turns to be 關錯鳥(guan cuo4 niao3), literally meaning shutting in the wrong bird. It sounds funnier if you know that “bird” 鳥is also a euphemism for man’s genital.

Probably this is why we always have squares for the beginners to practice writing the characters. Take a look at those beginners’ writing without any lines or squares to confine the characters, you might be amused.

牛肉麵=牛肉面

大滷麵=大卤面

便當=便当

關金鵲=关金鹊

關錯鳥=关错鸟

Confucius, Microsoft and man (joke)

Quite a lot of jokes are about genitals and sex. And there’s no denying some of them are quite hilarious. A while ago I read such a joke online that combines Confucius’ self-description on different phases of his life with well-known brands of electrical appliances. It goes as follows:

男人：(man)

A.   二十(20)弱冠¹，起床²卻是「奔騰³」；

B.    三十(30)而立⁴，名符其實⁵的「日立⁶」；

C.   四十(40)不惑⁷，開始⁸「微軟⁹」；

D.   五十(50)知天命¹⁰，明白¹¹已是「松下¹²」；

E.    六十(60)耳順¹³，卻只能「聯想¹⁴」。

     

The former parts of these sentences are Confucius’ description on the phases of his life, with the number 20, 30…referring to the ages.

1.     弱冠(ruo4 guan4): 冠(guan) means hats. In ancient times when a male grew to the age of 20, a ceremony called 冠禮(guan4 li3) was held, where three different kinds of hats were put on him to mark his reaching the adulthood. 弱(ruo 4) usually means weak, but here it means young. So弱冠refers to men of 20 years old. Here Confucius told us that he had the冠禮 ceremony when he was twenty.

2.     起床(qi3 chuang2): getting up from bed.

3.     奔騰(ben teng2): Pentium. 奔means to gallop, to run fast while 騰also means to gallop or to jump. 

A: When a man is 20, though called「弱」冠, his “that” is strong.

4.     三十(30)而立(san shi2 er2 li4): Confucius said that he got  independent as a man and won his status as a scholar at 30. But 立also means to “stand up,” to “rise.”

5.     名符其實(ming2 fu2 qi2 shi2): Veritable; worthy of the name.

6.     日立(ri4 li4): Hitachi. But the two words日立can also be interpreted as “to ‘rise’ every day.”     

B: When a man is thirty, he gets erection every day exactly like   what Confucius had said--三十(30)而立.

7.     四十(40)不惑(si4 shi2 gu4 huo4): Confucius said he no longer  got any confusion when he reached 40.

8.     開始(kai shi3): begin

9.     微軟(wui2 ruan3): Microsoft. But the two words also mean “slightly soft.”

C. At 40, a man no longer gets confused, but he begins to be  “slightly soft.”

10. 五十(50)知天命(wu3 shi2 zhi tian ming4): Confucius said at 50, he realized the law of nature and fate and follow it.

11. 明白(ming2 bai2): to realize; to perceive.

12. 松下(sun xia4): Panasonic; but the two words mean “under the pine.” Here the key lies in the word 下, down.

D.  At 50, a man realizes how the law of nature and fate is working and the facts that he is now a piece of Panasonic electrical appliance, "down."

13. 六十(60)耳順(er3 shun4): Confucius said at 60 he could tell at once if what others told him was right or wrong.

14. 聯想(lian2 xiang3): Lenovo. The two Chinese words mean to associate or imagine.

E. At 60, all a man can do is “imagine.”

No offense is meant here, gentlemen. At least you learn different ways to call different ages. I happened to learn in the process of my writing this a result of a research claiming that those who are in their 50s, 知天命之年(zhi tian ming4 zhi nian2), are the most content, even though they no longer奔騰or日立.  

I wonder if there’s such a joke on women.

PS: In fact, Confucius’ statement starts with 15 and ends with 70, both of which are not included in the joke. And though 20 years old is really called弱冠, Confucius’ statement does not include 20 years old.  Here I’d like to add the 15 and 70 as a complement.

吾十有五(15)而志於學: I’ve decided to dedicated myself to scholarship at 15.

七十(70)而從心所欲不踰矩: At 70, I can do whatever I want without violating any rules.

Simplified:  

二十弱冠，起床却是「奔腾」；
三十而立，名符其实的「日立」；
四十不惑，开始「微软」；
五十知天命，明白已是「松下」；
六十耳顺，却只能「联想」。

吾十有五而志於學=吾十有五而志于学

七十而從心所欲不踰矩=七十而从心所欲不踰矩

郎不歸鄉 (joke)

夏進興(xia4 jin4 xing), a former counselor of the president, wrote a humorous article mocking simplified Chinese characters. As someone who has used traditional Chinese ever since she started to learn to read and write, I’ve expressed the same regret that Chinese characters have been “twisted” and “abused” in so many ways in my previous writing. It’s like seeing a stunning beauty turning to an ugly by some crash-and-burn plastic surgery. Though I labeled this article under the catalog of “joke,” this is definitely no laughing matter to me.

In the article, Xia mentioned his two trips to China; how he’s not used to the simplified characters. He composed a couplet 對聯(dui4 lian2) to ridicule the simplified Chinese by pointing out their flaws in a funny way.

「麵無麥、愛無心、單翅能飛」

(mian4 wu2 mai4, ai4 wu2 xin, dan chi4 neng2 fei)
「餘不食、親不見、無門可開」

(yu2 bu4 shi2, qin bu2 jian4, wu men2 ke3 kai)

The former part of the couplet means “noodles without wheat, love without a heart, and single wing can fly.”

The latter part means “leftover without food, family love without seeing, and no door to open.”

To understand麵無麥, you have to know that many Chinese characters are combinations of meanings and pronunciations. For example, 麵(mian4) , noodles, is a combination of麥(mai4) , wheat, which carries the meaning, and 面(mian4), which carries the sound. So when you see the word 麵, you know it’s pronounced as面 and is something made of wheat. But it’s simplified as面in simplified Chinese, which also means “face.” This is what麵無麥means.

As to愛無心 , compared with the traditional Chinese愛(ai4), 爱, love, misses a心, heart, in it. How can you love without a heart? And when it comes to flying, 飛(fai), the simplified Chinese is飞. The double “wings” now become a single one. And the part 升(sheng), which means elevating, is gone.

The word 餘 means surplus, or leftover. Like麵 , it’s a combination of 食(shi2), food , and 余(yu2), which is the sound. In simplified Chinese, it’s changed into余, with食, the food, missing. This is the meaning of 餘不食.

As we go on to親不見, 親 is your family or relatives. The term親情(qin qing2) means love between parents and children or family members. In simplified Chinese it turns to亲, which means the part見(jian4), to see or meet, is missing. How can family members love each other if they don’t even get to see each other?

The last part of the couplet is無門可開. When you say “open the door,” it would be 開門(kai men2) in Chinese. The simplified for開, to open, is开, where the door, 門, is missing. As a result, you have no door to open.

After my explanation, which I hope you have the patience to understand, you see each part of the couplet refers to a character. Previously I mentioned that for a couplet, there usually will be a 橫批(heng2 pi), a third part that is put across the gate.

After his retirement, Xia has worked as a voluntary tour guide in the presidential building, who often entertains visitors from China. Sometimes he’ll mention the couplet to them, some of whom asked about its橫批and they started the brainstorming. The followings are some examples.

「不生而產」(bu4 sheng er2 chan3), to have children without laboring.  生產means to produce, or bear a child. But in simplified Chinese, 產  is written as产 , with the part “labor” 生 missing. How can you have children without bearing them?

Another one is 「死無全屍」 (si3 wu2 chuan2 shi), meaning dying without a whole body全屍. In the past, most Chinese hoped that when they die, they would have a whole and complete body, which means they die a ripe age in bed, but not untimely accidental death with their boots on, and they could go to their next life “complete.” Accordingly死無全屍is often used as a curse for someone you hate. The point here is the word body屍is simplified as尸, with 死, death, missing, so it’s incomplete.

The last one is郎不歸鄉(lang2 bu4 gui shang), meaning your beloved man doesn’t return home. 鄉, homeland, is simplified as乡with the part 郎missing. 郎means a male lover as used in 情郎(ching2 lang2). How miserable it is if your beloved man doesn’t return again!

As I know, many times in China’s National Political Consultative Reference, (政協會zheng4 xie2 huai4) the issue of restoring to traditional Chinese characters has been brought up. Though personally I wish it come true, in reality, I know it’s never easy for 1.3 billion people to change. (But not impossible since you’ve done it once before!) When it comes to non-native speakers who intend to learn Chinese, which one will they choose, one with 1.3 billion users, or the other with tens of million ones? Sadly I wonder.

郎不歸鄉=郎不归乡

夏進興=夏进兴

對聯=对联

麵無麥、愛無心、單翅能飛=面无麦、爱无心、单翅能飞

餘不食、親不見、無門可開=余不食、亲不见、无门可开

不生而產=不生而产

死無全屍=死无全尸