我要小解! (I) (Euphemism)

When my sister-in-law, who had just come back from China for a family reunion, asked the waiter where the bathroom was at a restaurant, it took him two seconds to realize what she was referring to. She called it 衛生間(wei4 sheng jian) as people call it in China. Here in Taiwan we usually say 洗手間(xi3 shou3 jian). If you prefer a more direct expression like toilet, 廁所(ce4 suo3) would be used.

I think the expression洗手間is somewhat English-tinged because in English you say “wash my hand” as a euphemism for excreting. 洗手 has been one of the euphemisms in Mandarin referring to going to the bathroom.

Sometimes kids around anal stage love to say 大便(da4 bian4)，小便(xiao3 bian4) to attract attention or to “irritate” their moms because they know these expressions will certainly raise some eyebrows and they’ll giggle at those eyebrows. 大便is excrement while小便, or 尿液is urine. 大便and 小便 can both be used as verbs.

But ladies and gentlemen don’t say that. They use euphemisms instead. An old and literary one is解手(jie3 shou3), which literally means to “release one’s hand.” It is said that during the Ming Dynasty when the government was trying to immigrate people from the too densely populated provinces to the scarcely populated ones, to prevent the reluctant people from escaping, they bound those people’s hands together. When nature called, as a result, people had to ask the soldiers on duty to release their hand, 解手

In English people use No 1, No 2 as a distinction while in Chinese we use 大(da4), big, 小(xiao3), small as you learn in the previous paragraph. Probably from解手 we get小解(xiao3 jie3) to mean pee. But strangely we don’t have the term 大解(da4 jie3) as a counterpart.

As 小解 pronounces the same as 小姐, girl, or euphemism for street girls, here comes the joke: “A high-ranking official was visiting a village. On the tour bus he yelled「我要小解!」(wo3 yao4 xiao3 jie3) several times but was ignored (because the female receptionist had misinterpreted it as「我要小姐!」). In the end the edgy official screamed, 「我要小解!」With a flush the disconcerted receptionist murmured, ‘Will I do?’”

A counterpart for 小解 is出恭(chu gong), to defecate. According to Wikipedia, during an imperial examination, which took several days, there were two boards出恭, 入敬(ru4 jing4) at the entrance of the exam. Those who would like to go to the bathroom had to take a出恭board, literally meaning “exiting respectfully,” and a入敬board, literally meaning “entering respectfully” when they went back. As time goes by, people seem to have forgotten the latter part 入敬, but only remember出恭, which originally referred to both “numbers.” But later it has changed to refer to “No 2” only.

Bathroom has changed a lot as time goes by. In the past it was usually built separated from the house and was called 茅坑(mao2 keng) or 茅廁(mao2 ce4). The name tells you that it’s only a primitive and humble “pit” as the word 坑suggests. Fortunately I was a city child, and not old enough to have the chance to use one. I’ve heard stories about how little kids had fallen into a茅坑, some of whom were even drowned. I’m really really sorry for them, to be honest.

In 張愛玲(zhong ai4 ling2), Eileen Chang’s novels, sometimes she describes how the maids go out to 倒馬桶(dao4 ma3 tong3) and chat with each other in the early morning. For those 公子(gong zi3) or 千金小姐(qian jin xiao3 jie3), the gentlemen and ladies in a family, they were too delicate to go out to the茅廁. They would use a bucket in their room, which is called馬桶. It is said that in ancient time the bucket was made in the shape of a horse, which is why it is called 馬桶. Even the modern toilet is called 抽水馬桶(chou shui3 ma3 tong3), a flushing toilet, though it is no longer in the shape of a horse. In the old times it was the maid’s duty to clean the bucket, 倒馬桶. No wonder those公子 or 千金小姐needed so many maids. With their dressing, they would need lots of aids when nature called.

As the emergence of the modern bathroom, we have different names, such as 盥洗室(guan4 xi3 shi4)、化妝室(hua4 zhuang shi4) and the ones I mentioned above. These days some restaurants take a very “romantic” name for the restroom. They call it 聽雨軒(ting yu3 xuan). 軒is a delicate name usually for someone’s study. 聽雨 means listening to the rain. You go to the bathroom to “listen to the rain.”

Well, sitting here for the whole morning, I guess I need to “listen to the rain.”

(TO BE CONTINUED)

衛生間=卫生间

廁所=厕所

茅廁=茅厕

張愛玲=张爱玲

馬桶=马桶

化妝室=化妆室

聽雨軒=听雨轩